awhile back I read about graduate students and how when they finish their dissertation many of them become depressed. you would think that it would be the opposite—that after finishing something you’ve worked so hard on for years and years that you would feel a sense of satisfaction but that doesn’t seem to be what really happens.
We all know it—the journey is the important part, the struggle. no one charters a plane to the top of Mount Everest, they climb it for the climb.
But lately, I feel that I’ve lost even the joy of creation. the muse seems to have vanished and I am not sure why.
This doesn’t feel the way I sometimes feel, in that I am too troubled to create. But rather that I might have said everything I am able to say.
And part of me wonders what else is there to do now?
I’ve created such a large body of work but with no outward success that I really feel like a sort of ghost. I have an air of pride for the work I’ve done but at the same time I feel like a complete failure.
The only thing to really do from here is to keep creating.
But I don’t know how.
the world is changing so quickly and it’s frightening.
It’s hard to know what’s worthwhile in this new world.
I have lived my life by the idea that art matters, but as the artists I love come under scrutiny in this increasingly visible age it’s hard not to wonder if maybe it was all a complicated illusion.
But I don’t think it’s that simple.
People are complicated and full of nuance and I think that this is important to remember.
there’s a Bukowski quote that always stuck with me about having the ruthless desire to live and not the means and how that poisons the soul.
I think that this is where my creative block comes from.
I long for the summer in which there was so much life to live that you barely had time to create. And now, it feels that I’ve used up all of that summer and it’s still cold and the wind has taken the last bit of life and flung it away.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ― Anaïs Nin
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I managed to accomplish everything I had hoped to and even got a gig.
The only thing that sucked was that I couldn’t fall asleep. I feel like a zombie right now.
I’ve struggled with insomnia for a while—like years and years. I’m not sure why, but I think it has to do with anxiety.
The only thing that seemed to get me to fall asleep was sleeping on the floor, putting my phone in another room, using earplugs, and doing my mini-workout while lying down.
Insomnia might also have to do with TikTok. I always go on TikTok right before bed even though my algorithm is like Charles Manson. It always finds something that triggers me, then it reaffirms something about me. Last night’s excitement was showing me my type talking to a guy who was thirty and single and just feeling sorry for them.
The thing I have to remind myself, which is hard at night, is that I’ve already tried the conventional dating path and it wasn’t for me. It’s easy to ridicule yourself and feel like there’s something wrong with you, especially when the majority of society agrees with that view, but if you don’t want to go mad you have to take responsibility for the fact that you chose the life you’re living.
Though, that doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard sometimes.
Last night, when I was trying to fall asleep, I had this visual of how my life feels right now: It feels like swimming through lead, and when I manage to get out and shake off the ooze, I get cold and jump back in.
But TikTok isn’t all bad, which is why I stay on in. Last night I found this cool song:
It’s nice to see the youth talking some Moz;)
However, as far as my transformation into a Greek God, I have some updates.
BODY
I need to find some kind of natural appetite suppressants. I’m thinking ginger chews or something like that. Or like green tea. I do not want to use a GLP—then you have to rely on it forever, and that sounds, for one thing, expensive.
I’m experimenting with four meals, essentially. My first meal is around lunchtime, the second is a snack in the late afternoon, then a meal for dinner, and then a protein shake before I go to sleep. I’m not sure if it’s smart to shift my eating to later in the day or not, but I find that thats when I get the most hungry. It’s fairly easy for me to fast in the morning, so I figure it’s best to go with my body’s natural rhythm.
When it comes to my workout, I feel good about it. This is something that has taken me a long time to settle on, but when I started it about a year or two ago, it seemed to work well. Essentially, it’s just a two mile or longer walk with my dog and then a short calisthenics workout of 3 supersets of 3 exercises—one for lower, upper, and core. Then I alternate which muscles are worked, so there’s a “front” workout—which is like chest and quads and abs. A “back” workout—which is back, hams, and lower back. The there’s what I loosely call a “side” workout—which is shoulders, abductors, and side core.
I had settled on this workout about two years ago and got into great shape, but because things felt almost too easy, I changed it up.
But recently, I realized that I think I had found my workout and my real problem was not the workout but my diet. So I’ve just trying to focus more on diet and stick with the workout that works.
MIND
I need to find a book that explains the process of starting a business to a five year old. But that seems ridiculous.
Yesterday I decided to read the millionaire fastlane—though I’ve already read it. But the internet says it’s a good book.
I just find that I get so bored of finance books—the writers sound all the same.
I heard some quote, “God leaves the room when you start thinking about money,” paraphrased, and I think it’s true.
I just want to learn more about the native Californians.
SOUL
I did get my word count in for my novel, and I feel excited about where it’s going. I’m starting to figure out who the protagonist is.
Also, probably the biggest win of yesterday was that I stayed sober.
So—my goals for today are as follows:
Stick with my diet
Workout
Write
Find a better book about business
Stay sober
Here…we…go—and may Apollo bless us on this fine day.
The goal of this blog is to publish a daily post as I embark on a journey of self-improvement and self-discovery.
I have always had a fascination with the Greek God, Apollo, thus this is my “temple.” He is a god of many domains: light, music and arts, healing, archery, prophecy, to name a few.
I am also passionate about music and art, and am a musician and writer. I also love the sun and water, though, addiction and mental health struggles have prevented from enjoying things like the beach in the way I did when I was young. My goal is to change that.
I’ve also always been the type of person who is drawn to doing many things. I think it’s a strength and a curse. But I’d like to explore a bit more in my hobbies and work-life and doing so under the “guidance” of Apollo, I think is quite geek-worthy. I might even take up archery again.
I know that the idea of emulating a Greek God is very geeky, but I think I’m okay with that at this point. Having a hero who isn’t human and fallible is kind of nice. I don’t have to worry about him getting canceled or one day meeting him and realizing he’s an a**.
I thought about posting this on TikTok, because these days, unfortunately, I watch a lot of TikTok. But I realized that I’d much rather have the space to explore things in longer forms, without looking at my face so much. So I’m going to try WordPress.
That being said, I have been kind of inspired by the #looksmaxxers (I know, I know) all over TikTok. Even though they are just immature kids trying to get laid, there is something kind of inspiring at their dedication and willingness to share every detail of their “ascension” process. I also think they are right about how much looks do, unfortunately, matter in our current culture. I know that I have noticed a big difference in how I’m treated depending on my current weight or clothes.
So, part of this journey will be losing weight, working out, and optimizing my diet. But that’s not everything. I also want to learn more about the world and myself and explore as well as create more art. So I guess you could call me a #bodymindsoulmaxxer if you’d like.
Ultimately I’m going to use this blog to post every morning about my plans for the day and hopefully keep me accountable. I will try to be very detailed and specific, because why not? Maybe someone else is going through a similar situation and they might benefit from what I’m doing. I might also post my art if there’s interest.
Here are some of the bad habits I’m trying to change:
Drinking
Smoking
Junk food
Being broke
Being lonely
Drinking has been a big struggle for me in the past year. I’ve used it as a way to manage my mental health and I’m hoping to change that. It has also caused me to gain weight, which has been a struggle for me ever since I was ingratiated into the lovely arena of psychiatry. I’m currently six feet tall weighing about 210 lbs. (at my heaviest I was 230 lbs).
I know, once again, this is very geeky—or possibly just ridiculous—but I’d like to lose weight and develop my physique in the style of Apollo: long hair, sun-kissed skin, lean, and strong. (Yes, I’m bisexual)
But aside from simply how I look, I’d like to do some other things as well.
Here are some positive habits I’d like to explore (or keep doing):
Find work that sustains me and I can do with my mental health
Travel more
Start a band again
Keep Working out
Keep Hiking with my dog
Find a “forever diet” – something that is healthy and sustainable that I can scale up or down depending on my income
Keep writing fiction, poetry, and music (I’d really love to publish a novel)
Explore who I am and question the ideas I’ve lived with until now
Become a morning person
Seeing this all written down, it doesn’t seem as impossible as I’d thought. I think the most important thing is not losing momentum or hope that making these changes will be worthwhile.
With all that being said, here are some of my goals for today:
Will W. Williams 