Tag: writing

  • The Accordionist On Rue De Bienveillant 

    The Accordionist On Rue De Bienveillant 

    Simone worked at a small tobacco shop on the corner of Rue de Bienveillant in the heart of Paris. Her days were long and the job did not pay her well. She had always wanted to travel and explore the world—perhaps visit Japan or America. However, between her day to day worries and the rhythm of life in the city, she had never made the time to really look into it seriously.

    She had begun working at the tobacco shop when she was in school, however, during that time she had become pregnant and had never finished. Since then, she had stayed at the shop, working long hours to support herself and her daughter. 

    The street of Rue de Bienveillant was not unlike many of the smaller streets in Paris. There were times when it was quite busy, with many people walking through to the larger streets on either side. There were also times when it was so quiet that she wondered whether or not she was still in one of the grandest cities in the world or a small town to the south.

    During these quiet times, every now and then, an old man would sometimes begin to play his accordion in the street, a few shops down from Simone’s tobacco shop. She remembered hearing him playing when her daughter was only a few years old, and she had been so busy that she had never thought to stay and listen to him. She simply walked by him and would toss a few coins in his basket. 

    But over the years as things slowed down and Simone began to settle into her life, she noticed the old man more and more. She often wondered as she would pass him after leaving work why the man did not play during the busiest hours, but instead seemed only to play during the quiet times, late at night. 

    She suspected that the man lived in one of the apartments above the street, and perhaps came down to simply enjoy the sound of his music out in the city. 

    One night, she had had a particularly stimulating day in the shop—as a group of raucous foreign businessmen had spent a few hours there, talking to her about their travels—and so, being in such good spirits, she decided to stop and speak with the old accordionist. 

    “Why don’t you play along the big street, on the corner?” She said quickly, as she tossed a large handful of coins into his basket. She noticed that it had been empty before she did this, as it always was. But the old man only shook his head dismissively, and continued to play. 

    “What is your name?” She asked, determined to learn something, anything, about this man. 

    He looked up at her, still playing, his face very old and his eyes full of sadness. He said nothing, only continued to play. 

    “Well,” Simone continued, startled by the man’s eyes. “I hope you have a splendid night, Monsieur. I very much enjoy your music.”

    She gave the man a nod of respect, understanding that he did not wish to converse with her, and then headed towards the metro and to her home. 

    She never spoke to the man after that, however, whenever she did pass him on the little cobblestone street, she still always threw a few coins into his basket. 

    ~ ~ ~

    Years later, her daughter had grown and was quite a fine young woman—quite beautiful and with strong academic promise. She had been accepted to a university in Tokyo with a full scholarship, and Simone had seen her off to Charles de Gaulle airport with more than a few tears in her eyes. 

    She did quite well, and though Simone kept in touch with her, the calls came more and more infrequently as her daughter became adjusted to her new life. 

    It was during these years that Simone began to become sick. Not severely so, but she began to feel bouts of tiredness and pain. 

    When she went to the doctor, they told her that she was unwell and would no longer be able to work at the tobacco shop. They said the smoke, from the years and years of it, had caused her to develop cancer. She could not afford the treatment, and so the doctor recommended rest. 

    Her daughter told her of a new treatment in Tokyo, but it was quite expensive. 

    “It looks very promising mother! You would just need enough for the visit and the treatment, I can help as much as I can, but you will still need to find the money.”

    Simone hung up the call, and let out a long sigh. She was so tired. She knew she would not be able to find the money, and so she lay down on her bed, listening to the city below her, and fell asleep. 

    She awoke several hours later to a knock at her apartment door. Standing up, slowly, she straightened her hair, wondering who it could be. She received very few visits these days. 

    She opened the door, expecting to see her friend Lea or possibly a neighbor in need of something, but there was no one there. 

    She glanced around, before noticing a small envelope on the floor in front of the door. She bent over, picked it up, and read the small, messily scrawled words on the unstamped envelope. 

    It read: 

    “From the accordionist on Rue de Bienveillant.”

  • Rant on Robots and Sex

    Rant on Robots and Sex

    I’ve seen this thing a lot lately online. A lot of women say that they won’t date a man who watches porn, or even that watching porn is cheating. But I would be willing to bet that a large percentage of those women own vibrators.

    Now—I’m not saying that I think porn is good. It objectifies people, visualizes the sexual experience, and not to mention the actual origins of the material in terms of the people involved (whether it was something done ethically or, most likely, not).

    But at least pornography is OTHER HUMANS fucking.

    Is it more unethical to pleasure oneself to other humans or to a robot? I’m honestly not sure. But I think that the obvious answer is that neither one is ideal.

    Another gripe I have is the way society treats women with vibrators compared to men with sex dolls. Women with vibrators are like liberated heroes celebrating their sexuality while men with sex dolls are categorized somewhere between serial killers and pedophiles.

    I don’t own a sex doll—I bought a “flashlight thing” once and that was a fucking mistake. I’ve never felt more like a psychopath than when I used that plastic piece of shit.

    But I don’t get why it’s so normalized with women? Like isn’t a robot dick with no body or human features pretty much the most inhuman way you could get sexual pleasure?

    At least with porn you might be fantasizing about the pornstar, imagining that you are with them or something.

    But what are you imagining with a vibrator? Are these women Star Trek fans and they are imagining that Data gave them his dick to fuck themselves with while he watches from a safe distance?

    I dunno.

    Maybe women conceptualize sex in a different way than men.

    But to me, the beauty of sex is not as much about the level of physical pleasure but rather the connection and romance that the mind builds around the experience.

    After all, they do say that the brain is the biggest sex organ ;)

    Call me crazy, but I just feel that actual HUMANITY should be a requirement for experiencing sexual pleasure. Otherwise why not fuck a pig or a goat? But at least a pig or a goat is a mammal. Not a fucking robot. But maybe I’m just old fashioned that way.

  • String (short story)

    String (short story)

    Alfred was sitting on his bed, his neck half propped up against a quite unfortunately abused pillow, scrolling on his phone, when he felt a sudden itch in his nose.

    Reactively, he reached his left hand up to scratch it, thinking it may have been a speck of dust or a gnat or just a random itch, only half speculating. 

    With the itch resolved he lowered his hand. But then it came back, this time more immediate and much more irritating.

    Alfred stood up quickly and reached for the box of tissues by his bedside. He blew his nose firmly, thinking that this would be the end of it, balled up the tissue, and then tossed it in the small, plastic wastebasket in the corner of the room.

    As he turned to return to his bed, he looked down and noticed a piece of string—hanging right in front of him—hanging from none other than his left nostril. 

    His stomach lurched in disgust, and he stopped, reaching up carefully to remove it. But as he began to pull the string, it only kept unraveling and unraveling—longer and longer, coming from deep inside his nasal cavity. 

    Alfred was feeling a strange mix of terror and disgust as he kept pulling this mucus covered string from out of his nose, unsure if whether or not this would be his undoing. He pulled slowly on the string until some four feet’s worth of it hung in front of him with the end still not visible or noticeable in his nostril. 

    Finally, after about six feet of string slid irritatingly through his nasal canal, he felt a lurch and felt a clump inside his upper airway attached to the piece of string. 

    With disgust and panic he yanked the string hard with one pull and out of his nose came a little ball of paper, attached to the end of it. It landed in front of him on the floor. 

    Alfred looked at this strange thing, then glanced around wondering whether this was a dream of some sort. No, this was waking life, he was sure of it. But what on earth was this string doing inside his nose and how had he not felt it before? He knelt down beside the balled up piece of paper attached to the string and examined it. It seemed to be some kind of little crumpled up note.

    With disgust, he pried the mucus covered thing apart, a sense of dissociation coming over him at the strangeness of the situation, until it lay open in front of him.

    It simply read this: “smell yuh later.”

    Alfred sneezed, threw the note and string into the trash, and plopped back down on his bed to proceed to continue to scroll on his phone. 

  • Why Alex G Is The Bob Dylan Of Our Time

    Why Alex G Is The Bob Dylan Of Our Time

    Idiots think that to be Bob Dylan, you have to smoke, drink, be skinny, be a smart ass, and be a poetically tough motherfucker.

    But they are idiots.

    Someone once said that every now and then, a creature like Bob Dylan appears in culture. And it’s true.

    Bob Dylan is similar to The Masque of the Red Death, a character in an Edgar Allen Poe story.

    What Bob Dylan is—is a reckoning—a being that has the fortitude and wisdom to rise above the noise and push the counter view without a contrarian personality. They are positioned with a quite unusual personality and world view.

    Most people follow the wind—the norms of the time. Then there are the counter culture folks, who rebel. Then there are the freaks, who are oblivious to it all. But a being who has an understanding of the culture and a wise view on it and, additionally, a vengeful and compassionate spirit coupled with the boldness to speak out, and speak loudly—is quite rare.

    In the sixties, this is exactly what Bob Dylan was. He sung the truth, without pretense or ego or pride or even an objective. And that is what makes him a hero and a legend.

    I believe that Alex G is the modern day equivalent.

    A boy trapped in a suburban bedroom with a computer and a microphone, who held onto love and spoke the truth. Despite the crumbling soul of the modern world around him.

    Some people say that Jesse Welles is the modern Bob Dylan, but that is only a genre-association. Jesse Welles has merit, and he is a great singer and songwriter, but his music is in no way as revolutionary as Alex G.

    I believe strongly that if the media landscape was more focused, then Alex G would have risen much higher and reached much further. Or perhaps due to his style, he would have been dismissed altogether. And of course, this is what would have happened to Bob Dylan if he hadn’t made the bold moves that he did and found the genre of American folk at the time that he did.

    If there is one difference between the two artists, it would be that Dylan latched onto a tradition of American folk—but it is so obvious that this was not a marketing ploy, which is what makes him a legend similar to Alex G.

    Of course, Alex G., and rightly so, had no traction to latch onto, as the heroic ideal of America had all but disintegrated by the 2000s.

    that’s not to say that Alex G didn’t find a deep appreciation for America, with his latest work he leans heavily into country and southern culture.

    Just like Dylan, who continually explores new American genres, such as his early 2000s album Triplicate, where he dives into the world of jazz standards.

    In conclusion, if you disagree with me, name an artist with more integrity and originality than Alex G and I will tell you that you are delusional.

  • when the wind takes the muse away

    when the wind takes the muse away

    awhile back I read about graduate students and how when they finish their dissertation many of them become depressed. you would think that it would be the opposite—that after finishing something you’ve worked so hard on for years and years that you would feel a sense of satisfaction but that doesn’t seem to be what really happens.

    We all know it—the journey is the important part, the struggle. no one charters a plane to the top of Mount Everest, they climb it for the climb.

    But lately, I feel that I’ve lost even the joy of creation. the muse seems to have vanished and I am not sure why.

    This doesn’t feel the way I sometimes feel, in that I am too troubled to create. But rather that I might have said everything I am able to say.

    And part of me wonders what else is there to do now?

    I’ve created such a large body of work but with no outward success that I really feel like a sort of ghost. I have an air of pride for the work I’ve done but at the same time I feel like a complete failure.

    The only thing to really do from here is to keep creating.

    But I don’t know how.

    the world is changing so quickly and it’s frightening.

    It’s hard to know what’s worthwhile in this new world.

    I have lived my life by the idea that art matters, but as the artists I love come under scrutiny in this increasingly visible age it’s hard not to wonder if maybe it was all a complicated illusion.

    But I don’t think it’s that simple.

    People are complicated and full of nuance and I think that this is important to remember.

    there’s a Bukowski quote that always stuck with me about having the ruthless desire to live and not the means and how that poisons the soul.

    I think that this is where my creative block comes from.

    I long for the summer in which there was so much life to live that you barely had time to create. And now, it feels that I’ve used up all of that summer and it’s still cold and the wind has taken the last bit of life and flung it away.

  • Wednesday, April 29, 2026

    Wednesday, April 29, 2026

    “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
    ― Anaïs Nin

    Yesterday was a pretty good day. I managed to accomplish everything I had hoped to and even got a gig.

    The only thing that sucked was that I couldn’t fall asleep. I feel like a zombie right now.

    I’ve struggled with insomnia for a while—like years and years. I’m not sure why, but I think it has to do with anxiety.

    The only thing that seemed to get me to fall asleep was sleeping on the floor, putting my phone in another room, using earplugs, and doing my mini-workout while lying down.

    Insomnia might also have to do with TikTok. I always go on TikTok right before bed even though my algorithm is like Charles Manson. It always finds something that triggers me, then it reaffirms something about me. Last night’s excitement was showing me my type talking to a guy who was thirty and single and just feeling sorry for them.

    The thing I have to remind myself, which is hard at night, is that I’ve already tried the conventional dating path and it wasn’t for me. It’s easy to ridicule yourself and feel like there’s something wrong with you, especially when the majority of society agrees with that view, but if you don’t want to go mad you have to take responsibility for the fact that you chose the life you’re living.

    Though, that doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard sometimes.

    Last night, when I was trying to fall asleep, I had this visual of how my life feels right now: It feels like swimming through lead, and when I manage to get out and shake off the ooze, I get cold and jump back in.

    But TikTok isn’t all bad, which is why I stay on in. Last night I found this cool song:

    It’s nice to see the youth talking some Moz;)

    However, as far as my transformation into a Greek God, I have some updates.

    BODY

    I need to find some kind of natural appetite suppressants. I’m thinking ginger chews or something like that. Or like green tea. I do not want to use a GLP—then you have to rely on it forever, and that sounds, for one thing, expensive.

    I’m experimenting with four meals, essentially. My first meal is around lunchtime, the second is a snack in the late afternoon, then a meal for dinner, and then a protein shake before I go to sleep. I’m not sure if it’s smart to shift my eating to later in the day or not, but I find that thats when I get the most hungry. It’s fairly easy for me to fast in the morning, so I figure it’s best to go with my body’s natural rhythm.

    When it comes to my workout, I feel good about it. This is something that has taken me a long time to settle on, but when I started it about a year or two ago, it seemed to work well. Essentially, it’s just a two mile or longer walk with my dog and then a short calisthenics workout of 3 supersets of 3 exercises—one for lower, upper, and core. Then I alternate which muscles are worked, so there’s a “front” workout—which is like chest and quads and abs. A “back” workout—which is back, hams, and lower back. The there’s what I loosely call a “side” workout—which is shoulders, abductors, and side core.

    I had settled on this workout about two years ago and got into great shape, but because things felt almost too easy, I changed it up.

    But recently, I realized that I think I had found my workout and my real problem was not the workout but my diet. So I’ve just trying to focus more on diet and stick with the workout that works.

    MIND

    I need to find a book that explains the process of starting a business to a five year old. But that seems ridiculous.

    Yesterday I decided to read the millionaire fastlane—though I’ve already read it. But the internet says it’s a good book.

    I just find that I get so bored of finance books—the writers sound all the same.

    I heard some quote, “God leaves the room when you start thinking about money,” paraphrased, and I think it’s true.

    I just want to learn more about the native Californians.

    SOUL

    I did get my word count in for my novel, and I feel excited about where it’s going. I’m starting to figure out who the protagonist is.

    Also, probably the biggest win of yesterday was that I stayed sober.

    So—my goals for today are as follows:

    • Stick with my diet
    • Workout
    • Write
    • Find a better book about business
    • Stay sober

    Here…we…go—and may Apollo bless us on this fine day.

  • Tuesday, April 28, 2026

    Tuesday, April 28, 2026

    The goal of this blog is to publish a daily post as I embark on a journey of self-improvement and self-discovery.

    I have always had a fascination with the Greek God, Apollo, thus this is my “temple.” He is a god of many domains: light, music and arts, healing, archery, prophecy, to name a few.

    I am also passionate about music and art, and am a musician and writer. I also love the sun and water, though, addiction and mental health struggles have prevented from enjoying things like the beach in the way I did when I was young. My goal is to change that.

    I’ve also always been the type of person who is drawn to doing many things. I think it’s a strength and a curse. But I’d like to explore a bit more in my hobbies and work-life and doing so under the “guidance” of Apollo, I think is quite geek-worthy. I might even take up archery again.

    I know that the idea of emulating a Greek God is very geeky, but I think I’m okay with that at this point. Having a hero who isn’t human and fallible is kind of nice. I don’t have to worry about him getting canceled or one day meeting him and realizing he’s an a**.

    I thought about posting this on TikTok, because these days, unfortunately, I watch a lot of TikTok. But I realized that I’d much rather have the space to explore things in longer forms, without looking at my face so much. So I’m going to try WordPress.

    That being said, I have been kind of inspired by the #looksmaxxers (I know, I know) all over TikTok. Even though they are just immature kids trying to get laid, there is something kind of inspiring at their dedication and willingness to share every detail of their “ascension” process. I also think they are right about how much looks do, unfortunately, matter in our current culture. I know that I have noticed a big difference in how I’m treated depending on my current weight or clothes.

    So, part of this journey will be losing weight, working out, and optimizing my diet. But that’s not everything. I also want to learn more about the world and myself and explore as well as create more art. So I guess you could call me a #bodymindsoulmaxxer if you’d like.

    Ultimately I’m going to use this blog to post every morning about my plans for the day and hopefully keep me accountable. I will try to be very detailed and specific, because why not? Maybe someone else is going through a similar situation and they might benefit from what I’m doing. I might also post my art if there’s interest.

    Here are some of the bad habits I’m trying to change:

    • Drinking
    • Smoking
    • Junk food
    • Being broke
    • Being lonely

    Drinking has been a big struggle for me in the past year. I’ve used it as a way to manage my mental health and I’m hoping to change that. It has also caused me to gain weight, which has been a struggle for me ever since I was ingratiated into the lovely arena of psychiatry. I’m currently six feet tall weighing about 210 lbs. (at my heaviest I was 230 lbs).

    I know, once again, this is very geeky—or possibly just ridiculous—but I’d like to lose weight and develop my physique in the style of Apollo: long hair, sun-kissed skin, lean, and strong. (Yes, I’m bisexual)

    But aside from simply how I look, I’d like to do some other things as well.

    Here are some positive habits I’d like to explore (or keep doing):

    • Find work that sustains me and I can do with my mental health
    • Travel more
    • Start a band again
    • Keep Working out
    • Keep Hiking with my dog
    • Find a “forever diet” – something that is healthy and sustainable that I can scale up or down depending on my income
    • Keep writing fiction, poetry, and music (I’d really love to publish a novel)
    • Explore who I am and question the ideas I’ve lived with until now
    • Become a morning person

    Seeing this all written down, it doesn’t seem as impossible as I’d thought. I think the most important thing is not losing momentum or hope that making these changes will be worthwhile.

    With all that being said, here are some of my goals for today:

    • Stay sober
    • Take my dog on a hike
    • Write 500-1,000 words on my novel
    • Read about finance
    • Do a short calisthenics workout
    • Eat under 1800 calories
    • Get to sleep around 9 pm

    So, here goes.